CHRIS HACAULT BATTLES THE BLOG

Text messages are to communication as necrophilia is to hot sweaty girl on girl porn. It truly disturbs me that society has become so fixated on truncating human interaction that people actually get off on sending inane 140 character messages filled with garbage language like “wat u up 2 2nite?.” Here’s a secret you fucktard, your phone has this really neat little feature that lets you speak to people with actual voices and words! Maybe, if you made a 2 minute phone call, you could make plans with someone that actually might involve you not sitting home alone watching Extreme Makeover and quietly masturbating while you cry.

Instead, everyone is absolutely wowed by this cutting-edge new method of communication that is basically a high-tech version of passing someone a note. It bothers me, but I can understand instances where it comes in handy, such as when you need to send a quick notification to someone or respond to someone in a situation where speaking out loud can get you crucified. What I can’t understand is why people have long fucking conversations via text message.

So here’s this new thing, I’m going to communicate with you, but because I’m limited to 140 characters, I’m going to use shorthand that makes me sound like a 13 year old tramp with a developmental disorder. That’ll cut down my 34 text conversation to 30! Hey, since your going to piss me off anyway, just send 34 texts in normal fucking English, and I’ll consider not punching you in your face the next time I see you lolz.

That’s only a tiny portion of my beef with SMS. (Sado-Masochistic Stupidity). I suppose many people resign themselves to talking like a lolcat if they want to schedule a business luncheon, and can still function as a human being. What I fail to understand is what fucking slack-jawed cretin pays $1.25 a message to receive subscription text messages on their phone.

NEW FROM GLOMOBI! THE HOTTEST DATING TIPS ON YOUR CELL! That’s right, the hottest dating tips! Pay us $1.25 a message a day to receive fantastical nuggets of wisdom like “always hold the door for ur date”, or “u need to impress ur boo wit flowaz”. If you have more personality than a cup of tap water, you shouldn’t need a single dating tip. Feeling tempted to try getting in on these supercooldude tips? Get off your pathetic ass and go to a bar. Better yet, try castration. You shouldn’t be contributing to the gene pool.

NEW FROM GLOMOBI! THE BEST PICK UP LINES ON YOUR CELL! For the fantastical low price of $1.25 a message a fucking day, get pick-up lines that wouldn’t work for the fucking Fonz. GO ON TEH INTERNETS! There’s probably a fucking geocities page with every one of these godforsaken oneliners listed. It also probably has lots of nice gifs of guys wearing sunglasses that you can print out and keep. Once again, Glomobi triumphs at culling the gene pool. They should get CIA operatives to use these pickup lines. And then kill the people they work on.

NEW FROM MOTHERFUCKIN GLOMOBI! THE MOST HILARIOUS JOKES!!! ON YOUR CELL!!!! Because they generously give you the first joke free, I, in the name of science, texted the shortcode straight to Glomobian hell. I promptly received this AWESOME joke:

What path do crazy people take to get out of the forest?

Are you holding on to your sides? Because Glomobi is about to split them.

The PSYCHO PATH!

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

That is some seriously good shit. But what do you expect? The joke can only be (you guessed it) 140 characters long! If you ever told that joke at a party, you’d be lucky to leave with just contusions about your face and neck.

There you have it. SMS text messages. Like E-Mail, only shorter, lacking any sort of functionality, and uglier. And retardeder. LOL fucking ROFLCOPTERS.